[	mood	|	content	]
[	music	|	M83	]

We could spend the night, watch the earth come up.


I've learned a great deal in the past year. I have never been one to boast and brag about what I'm thankful for. Those that mean a lot to me, know that they do, and they know it because I tell them so. I think I've changed more in this past year than I can remember changing in prior years. I like it. I don't mind that I found my own and don't need to worry about pety things anymore. A year ago today, I posted a list of things that I was thankful for, and I think that the list will look quite a bit different this time around.

I'm thankful for;

My family, for finding their feet in the worst situations, and picking the pieces back up.
Always; Jessica Marie. She is still my favorite person on this planet, and I cannot wait until the day she gets everything she deserves.
Bridget isn't too far behind in that category. I consider her blood, because she is.
Bud, for continuing to keep my secrets.
Stevie/Kaleigh/Lauren/Laura/Alex/Cassie for being the few female people on this planet that I can in fact tolerate, and that can tolerate me.
A few key players in me finding clarity in the chaos that is my life come in different shapes and sizes and will remain nameless, because to me...they will always be a memory.
Traveling this summer. It filled a hole in my heart that couldn't be filled any other way.
Vans Warped Tour, and Kevin Lyman for not only creating it, but watching my back.
Tea, Coffee, and gas station supplies.
24 hour Walmarts, and warm showers.
Chapstick, paint, photography and music.
Umbrella clothing.
Finding home in every city.
Expanding horizons by working my ass off.
The cupious amounts of bullshit that is now behind me and done with.
Jesse Lacey, Brandon Boyd, Ben Gibbard, Keith Richards, and Dallas Green.
The human nature to adapt to change, and doing so in the best of times.
Cold weather and oversized clothing.
Working my ass off to prove not only my worth, but that I can survive in the worst of conditions.
To no longer carry the baggage of shitty friends, and or people in my life.
Day planners.
British people.
An empty room, with a large window.
Home finally feeling like home.






I think it's about time things fell into place. I like the routine, and I like breaking routines with new ones even more so.
Let the chaos begin, and God willing I will survive this Black Friday with all of my limbs attached.
Monday; interviewing for a second job.
Such amazing things coming in the future, busy busy busy.

March-August will be exciting.

March- Bamboozle left.
May-Bamboole right and center.
Fingers crossed and holding my breath for June.
And the rest is in the books.

I haven't been this content with life in a while...I could get used to it.


I can only think of one thing missing, and as of right now, I'm ok with that. Finding this place is what it took, and now I can figure out the rest as it comes to me.

Take the painting in the hall and take the one above the couch, you can have them too. Take the television, take the fridge and take the window shade, I don't mind.

Take the photographs and take the frames but leave the memories, cause they're mine.

[	mood	|	cranky	]
[	music	|	Gregory and The Hawk	]

I want your psycho. I want your love, and I want your revenge. I don't want to be friends.

I dreamt last night, & in my comatose state of mind; you were exactly the same, and I couldn't get enough of it. I imagine that it would be something like that, but inevitably, I will always let you down. I'm letting it go. Last night I finally found clarity, I got to get under you and get it out of my system. I can't help what I dream at night but I can help my impulses when I'm awake. They're becoming few and far between, but I'm slowly learning that every piece of advice that I've ever taken from anyone was never the deciding factor in what I do. I have never made a 180 because someone told me I shouldn't. If I had done that, I would be the least impulsive person on this earth, and lord willing I wouldn't be nearly as effective as I am today. I quit long before I left this summer and to be quite frank, I feel as though I'll remain in this full speed ahead mentality until I find that wall again. It's a dangerous state of mind...to be completely closed off. It's nothing I haven't dealt with before, and I would be more worried about others than myself right now. I found that spark again. No worries though, very few people know what I'm capable of.

I'm really quite good at what I do. I find comfort behind the lens of a camera and I let it become part of me. I drive on freeways and invision a thousand things that could go terribly wrong. I stay up late at night because, inevitably my mind will come full circle and I will find clarity. It may take hours before I exhaust all possibilities and find the start of that circle, but it's the only way I can close my eyes at night. I keep this facade of friendliness because if I'm being honest with myself, I'm perfectly shattered. So much so that I can hold myself together by not letting anyone new in. I like to keep my pieces together. I very rarely drop a few pieces at the feet of someone else, let alone all of them. This is not because I hold a grudge, or because I'm insecure with myself. It's because these pieces are mine, they are what keep me moving forward every day, and what make up the characteristic traits I hold close to me. These pieces are me, and the moment I give a piece, the gap grows. I'm still gathering all the pieces but I lost one too many this past year. I let them go, and I try to remember if it was worth it, but the memories finalize my decisions. It's a constant revolving door of thoughts, memories, pictures, life. It keeps me up at night trying to hold my pieces together and it just proves that I am in fact human, time and time again. I am so hesitant to keep up this game, but I am really quite good at what I do. These pieces will remain mine for as long as it takes.

Working is a strict get in-get out basis.

Life is what it is and at the end of the day there's only one thing that stuck in my head...
I'm running a fever and cannot stop sneezing. The day I can go without catching someone else's cold will be an amazing day. Unfortunitly, people don't know how to cover they're mouth when they cough and refuse to do so, even when asked.

I want to head to San Francisco for a few days, and find a tarot reader. I can see that in my near future. As well as getting back into yoga. I could use the unwinding period every day.




My summer in spending;

June 25th-Pomona, California; Arco
June 26th-Glendora, California; Walmart
June 30th-Las Vegas, Nevada; Walgreens
June 30th- Searchlight, Nevada; Chevron
July 1st-Tucson, Arizona; Walmart
July 6th-Memphis, Tennessee; Victoria's Secret
July 9th-Memphis, Tennessee; Lansky's Lucky
July 13th-Agawa, Massachusettes; Six Flags
July 13th-Lee & Glen Burnie, Maryland; Old Navy & Bank
July 13th-Austinburg, Ohio; Flying J
July 13th-Hartford, Conneticut; DUNKIN DONUTS
July 14th-Hanover, Massachusets; Wet Seal & Sbarro
July 21st- New York, New York; Top Shop/Urban Outfitters
July 22nd-Secaucus, New Jersey; Courtyard Marriot

[

mood

|

okay

]

You touch her skin and then you think, that she is beautiful but she doesn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful; but she doesn't mean a thing to me.



Some day I'll learn the grace that comes with these eyes. But when that day comes, I will lose all charm and manner that I've carried with me so high before. A misrepresentation of myself has finally been lifted. Maybe this means the fog will finally clear, and I will finally see the chaos I've created face to face. Or maybe the chaos will just increase the fog. In any event, I am in too far and driving too fast. I like to think that every decision that I've made up until this point was the right one; but the ghosts that follow me beg to differ. I can't think of certain things without sinking into myself, and dissapearing. I live to experience things, yet I run away from the greatest thing I could have ever held in my hands. I won't dwell on the saddness that comes with remembering, but I will change my thoughts to some where else. Somewhere far far away. Running away has always been what I do best. So much so that I even run from the things I want.

I can't lie and say that this came out of no where. It took one sharp, painful realization to pull me back to reality. I will never understand how people can like someone they barely know. And I refuse to believe that I am special enough to draw the attention of another person. I know I deserve someone that cares, but the thought still baffles me. I'm not naive, nor am I some self depricating girl begging for attention. In fact, attention is the last thing I want. I like the shell I've crawled back into now that I'm settled. It's quant, and it let's me figure out the things I can't in the daylight. I'm no good for anyones morale, or ego. I lost all concepts of appearence, and status when I let my guard down and now I feel like I wasted my time. Poor pathetic little me, never happy with what she has; and always wanting what she doesn't have. I think I learned my lesson, multiple times. I want it to rain for decades and find something that keeps me occupied. It's so hard to keep occupied with this mind of mine. I'm ok with the sore end of this situation. I'm ok with hating myself for a bit. I'm ok with being this turtle; but I must admit that my window with a view to no where is getting pretty unfortunate. So tonight, I'll sit on my bed, in the corner of this immaculately decorated room; with the lights off. I have no reason to look out my window anymore. I'll let this irrational feeling boil in my stomach until I fall asleep and start the process all over again. I'll let the mess gather wings before I manage to sweep it under your carpet again. Enjoy the clarity, it never lasts long.


I'll undress if you need it, but please don't need it.

[

mood

|

zombie

]

to pull my ribs apart and let the sun inside...





I'm so very good at keeping secrets these days. So much so that I forget that no one knows but myself. I think this new introverted aspect to myself is going to take some getting used to. I like to share, and when I'm not sharing, I'm listening. Now without thinking, I listen and take things apart. Maybe now when I'm nice and quiet, it'll have a bigger purpose than an emotion. It'll be a function. A seperate entity to my personality that not just any stranger can break into. I kind of like it. It let's me roam wild inside my thoughts. No one can tell the truth 100% of the time, and in between the truths and lies is where the secrets fall. A comfortable medium in reality that I've recently picked up on.

Maybe you don't read what I have to say anymore, and maybe it's just easier that way. But I do hope you know, I know more than you think. I don't care for pasts, or dwelling in a moment. In fact I've learned to deal and move on through the shittiest of situations, but there is always going to be the intent to know about you. Everyone knows about you. Your the little chip on my shoulder that I carry around with me. The boy she couldn't love. Jokes on her because she's feeling it more, the more time passes. She'll never learn, but in all her years...she'll adapt.

but you are what you love, and not what loves you back. and I'm in love with illusions, so saw me in half.

[

mood

|

content

]

I love you so.

The day I can go without a single solitary thought of you as opposed to 400 times will be the day I can stop claiming you as an excuse.
Until then, I'll just walk around this state in the most glorious of states of delusion and be content with being solo. 
I don't mind entirely, but I don't think it's entirely fair to every one else. I am capable of anything when I don't care, and I like this new found open door. Maybe if I'm patient enough, I'll find my way back into something. I'm not running, or hiding, or sulking. In fact, I'm just the opposite and I take everything in stride, taking every open oppurtunity. My mind is wide open and I'm finally inspired again, but mind you...my hearts never been this closed off. I just can't be at home anymore. 

I'll fall asleep to the rain tonight, and be content with this new found 'caring'. In fact, it's raining tonight. So I think I'll lay awake and listen to it before I finally allow myself to sleep. And in my thoughts, you'll stick around. Not by your own doing in any means. But I like to think you still care, and you still think about the night I kept you up for an extra hour before bus call, the night we sat on a bench next to the ocean and watched the lightening, the night  we saw the man with the worlds longest arms; the night you kissed me goodnight., the night I realized that you would be one of my favorite memories.  

I'm content in my own madness, and it helps me sleep at night.
 

[

mood

|

calm

]

I do this thing... and it doesn't matter what time of day, or where I am... but I trail off into my own thoughts and tune out my surroundings. I catch myself doing it every time, or until someone notices and asks if I'm ok. Of course I'm ok, I'm alive. But to be honest...I'd rather stay lost in those thoughts forever than have to be asked if I'm 'ok' on a repeat basis.

I'm indecisively going about my life now that I'm back home. I still feel as though my heart has been temporarily put on hibernate and my head is on overtime. To focus on one single thing for more than a moment is out of the question. Sure, I've moved on...I'm fully aware that I'm home but it's not the same. I don't think I'll ever look at this lifestyle the same again. It's far to small, and shut in. It's been nearly a month and I still feel like I'm in a coma.

I don't mind it entirely, but I don't think that holding a conversation with a stranger over the question, 'oh, and what'd you do this summer?' is in the cards. My new favorite is 'how was tour?'. I don't ever go into details, there are too many.

I would like to think that this is mutual, that it goes back and forth in some weird analytical tug of war fashion, but I won't hold my breath. With the stories that come out after the fact, and the little facts that have been handed my way, it only increased the zoning appeal in casual conversation. I miss an idea, a thought. I miss the notion that I get a good morning, good afternoon, and most importantly a good night kiss. In a weird swirl of liquor, dancing, and reacquantances... there was a brief moment where the bridge could have been gapped, but all that was left was an empty hole in the pit of my stomach and one very vivid look. It wasn't right, and no matter how much effort was put in once you were gone, you were still there. I hate you for it, but you will always be a good story to tell, and I will always tell it with a smile. Mufasa is doing well, as is Pocahontas. Good Morning lovely boy, I'm going to bed. xoxo

 

To organize my thoughts on any one subject at the moment would be a headache and a half. I've summed my main thoughts down to simple statements.
-Yes, that just happened.
-No, I don't wake up in an itty bitty bunk and hit my head on the light before jumping down to push and dolly to an unknown destination in a random city anymore.
-I have allowed people in my life back home to just....fall off the face of the earth, and I'm more than ok with it.
-The problems that followed me onto the road stayed on the road.
-I need to venture my way to Europe before November.
-Yes, british boys do in fact kiss better than american ones. Even when drunk.


The loudest ones are the weakest....or so I've been shown.
The only logical reason that I could come up with for me being home again is to pick up the pieces. The only problem with the pieces is that some of them aren't retrievable or logical. I think I'll do my laundry, organize my head; and get the fuck out of here.
Whether it's getting a place down the street or hitting the road again.

Until the routine falls into place with avid and clear alibis, I won't be around.
There is no such thing as an excuse. There is no such thing as a second chance.


The unforgiveable things I've done paved the way to the person I've become. The twisted thoughts I've kept with me drew the lines from wrong and right. The people I threw by the wayside left me happier. The roads I've slept through brought me back home, and the boy I left behind can find his Autumn.

In all actuality I am a very happy person now. There are only minor misconseptions about the idea of me now; atleast while I'm home. I will never be one to hold in my thoughts. I have so much catching up to do with my self, but I am finally content.
Now the only underlying question is, now what?

It's nothing that can't be fixed with a thought of Detroit, Florida, or even an empty parking lot at night. I will always have that, and the way I felt kept safe in the back of my mind. I let the walls down, hard. And I don't regret any of it. Terrible nicknames, tour babies, and a country barrier made it more interesting. Time to tune it all out again and return to reality. I would ask if he thinks of me, but I already know the answer. I'll just keep busy until then.

And until then, Auvoir
 

[

mood

|

okay

]

Fucking moose.

So as this is being typed, my roomates are talking about a moose...and we all have an intense case of the giggles.
We're sitting in the parking lot of Camden, New Jersey. Bus call is 2:00am.
I am showered, and ready for bed. I'm golden.


So, my morning began with a sharp turn and me rolling off the couch.
Then the painful realization that it was morning; followed by the even more painful realization that it was the morning after.
And let me tell you, that was the hardest part of getting ready this morning.
Step outside of the bus to get into the bay and pick out my clothes for the day and stepped on a piece of glass.
(Mentally noted that in the midst of writing this encounter, I was dragged outside to watch a dance off.)
Changed got half ready and headed out into the humidity.
Then the chaos and stress began.


I would love to plot out my thoughts at the moment but the chaos that is the place I'm living isn't letting my already jumbled thoughts plan themselves out. I need some time to figure this shit out. My head and heart are both a bit bummed and a bit scared. I would love to be made of steel but I cannot even begin to explain the momentum I've got behind my heart this time. I put some strangle on myself and now I feel as though I've cut all emotions in anything.

Now sleeping will be an issue. God willing I WILL sleep tonight.
 

[

mood

|

discontent

]

To wake up in the State you were conceived in, is one thing. To wake up in the state you were conceived in for the first time in 12 years...is probably one of the most unexplainable emotions I have ever dealt with. If I try and sum it up into everyday emotions it might be a mix of excitement, anger and saddness. I'm no where near the city or suburb I grew up in but it's enough just being here to get me like this. How could we move from such an awesomely gorgeous place? I have to admit though that I am glad we did move to the extent that I am not an orange, accented troll gold digger, as is the stereotype of long island. And I have met the best people ever in California; I wouldn't be the girl I am today without meeting any of them or going through any of the things I've gone through out there. I still can't put my finger on the feeling. I'm 20 years old, not even a teenager anymore and I'm finally back. In the twelve years I've been gone...I've experienced everything that has shaped me. Maybe that puts this place in the biggest of ideals to me. I have no terrible memories here. Even the ones that involve physical pain mean nothing to me at the moment. There was nothing but innocence here when I was a kid. I lost all innocence two years later in one of the biggest revelations that I've ever had the pleasure of going through.

In the long amount of time I took from writing this last part to where I am now, the rv is trying to hike a hill. It sounds as though we might die.